For The Child
March 19, 2007

R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Not just an Aretha Franklin Song!

Recently, as I was about to begin yet another diatribe with my daughter about respect, I had the presence of mind to ask her if she knew what respect meant. Interestingly enough, she didn't.

Wow, talk about a lack of communication. I may as well have been speaking Swahili. No wonder I found myself harping on 'respect'.

Together we went to look for a definition of 'respect' and here is what we found:

1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem.
2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.

We started to talk about the practical applications of respect and determined that there are two kinds of respect. The first kind is being polite-saying "Please and Thank you", "May I be excused" and some of the other social niceties. Here respect can be the objective and unbiased considerations of concrete things, i.e. "we don't color in books in our house because books are treasures." Or in the more abstract it is not interrupting, using respectful language and tone of voice and respecting the diversity that is all around us.

I began to thinking about the yin and yang of respect and bias. At the end of the day, our thoughts and feelings belong to us; it is our behavior towards others that counts in the world. I realized that it wasn't enough to talk about respect-just like it is not enough to talk about bias. Both require action and we start at the beginning: ourselves.

The first step to gaining your child's respect is for you, as a parent, to fully comprehend that behaving respectfully means more than good manners. Once you get there then we need to apply the same rigor to teaching respect as we do to helping our children see past biases.

• Walk the walk and talk the talk
  We are all too aware that we are our children's first and most powerful role models. James Baldwin word's ring true: "Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them."
  
  To get respect, you have to show it. If you tell your child you're going to do something-positive or negative-do it. Monitor off-hand comments that denigrate another person-even if it seems 'harmless.' When we bark 'get off the road you old bag' at a senior citizen in front of us, we are giving our kids the signal that it is ok to disrespect senior citizens.
  
  
• Remember you are the parent
  While seemingly easy, in my house my daughter has too much power. After working, running around and taking care of three dogs and my rambunctious daughter it is sometimes just easier to let things go. I have been known to resort to that all time favorite phrase "because I said so".
  
  I am working on explaining and negotiating less and moderating the old standby to be a bit more loving. "There's no candy before dinner because I need to do my job as a mom" tends to get me farther with my daughter and gives her clearer boundaries and limits. In some cases, if my daughter does not know she is being rude (a pass-along from me, perhaps?) I say, "That tone of voice was out of line. Please stop now." Truthfully, I have to sometimes consciously remember to say please."
  
  
• Create immediate consequences consistently
  There are no more powerful words for a child than "Because you spoke rudely, there'll be no Nintendo DS or TV tonight."
  
  My daughter consistently begs for a 'second chance. I often give her that second chance (remember me, looking for the "easy way"). This gives her more power than she can handle. That is an awfully scary place for a kid, is really looking to the adult to be the adult.
  
  
• Be the "Spin Doctor"
  We all fare better when we stop expressing ourselves disrespectfully. I get angry when my daughter says things like "You are so boring. I want a play date." I know a friend can trump mom at times, but the rub is in the disrespectful way she speaks. Typically, she will have an opportunity to re-phrase her request. And after getting my not-so-subtle prompt she says "I really don't want to (fill in the blank). Can we call Olivia and see if I can play with her while you are gone?"
  
  
• Praise Respectful Behavior
  Positive reinforcement goes a long way-for kids and adults. We all want our feeling validated and help untangling issues. Wait until everyone involved has calmed down and work together to form strategies to handle situations more respectfully.
  
  
• It's a process
  It doesn't happen overnight and there are always bumps in the road. Give yourself and your children permission to make mistakes.
  
  

For me, March is the month for me to really watch how I am (or if I am) demonstrating respectful language and behavior. Truthfully, I am not sure how I will fare, but I promise to keep you posted and to keep trying.

Happy Spring:

Deb

I wanted to share this Ralph Waldo Emerson quote with you. I have it prominently hanging in my office.

"To laugh much; to win respect of intelligent persons and the affections of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give one's self; to leave the world a little better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition.; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm, and sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived--this is to have succeeded."